Carl Littlefield

I sit here at my computer at the six month anniversary of my son’s death and I ask myself the question, as many often do, “if you could go back to the days before the accident and change anything that might have prevented the accident, what would it be?” A question that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life, and a question that I don’t quite know how to answer, even if there is really an answer. I play it over and over in my head on a daily basis. Do I ever answer that question? Let’s see.

We mothers know when our children are born, right away natural instincts kick in as to when our babies need feeding, comforting, when they are sick, or just plain fussy. Those same instincts play a role when you know your children are getting into mischief and you need to make a decision to jump in and be the parent and teach them that lesson, or to let them learn those hard lessons on their own.

The one thing I tried to pay attention most to, when my son got into his teen years, was my gut instincts. He was the king of manipulation. Most teens seem to conquer that role. I was pretty good at reading my sons intentions and tried to stay a step ahead at all times. Carl could never quite figure out how I knew what he was up to and when he did it. What he didn’t know was I was a master of manipulation at that age and I knew and tried most of those same tactics. When Carl was sixteen he had some money tucked away, and when he received his drivers permit we allowed him to purchase his first vehicle as long as he could pay for a year’s worth of insurance as well. Carl was doing pretty well in school so he and his step father set out and found his bright red pickup! Carl was our third child to drive and for the most part he proved to be a pretty fast learner. Of course I could not drive with him while he was learning. I’m not that patient... The day Carl passed his driver’s test, I wondered, as I watched my son drive off for the first time by himself, if he was too young to have such a big responsibility to take care of. I just shook it off thinking, “it’s his money and he paid for it, just let it go! It’s time to let go and let your boy grow up a bit!”

I would often check up on my son’s usual hang-outs, to make sure he was behaving himself. He hated one and only time I caught him driving with a student in his vehicle under his provisional drivers license was about a month after he got his license. I grounded him from his truck for six weeks. He had to take the bus to school. Boy did that kick his butt! Not to mention it was a huge inconvenience to me. I had to prove a point that rules were rules. I think that it was the longest six weeks of his life and my life, because I never caught him doing it again. Carl had the day marked on the calendar when his provisional license was up and we had a small celebration at lunch! It was approximately five days before he was killed.

Spring rolled around and Carl started to get antsy for graduation. We worried a few times that he wasn’t going to graduate, so I became this person who rode him constantly. There were always fights and arguments and he got to the point were he hated being around me, but I never gave up. I didn’t mind being the bad guy because it was going to land my son a diploma! Did it make my son more worked up? I often wonder about that. He would always say he couldn’t wait to get out once he graduated. All that with a passion. The teens say that at one point but I don’t get that chance to know if he appreciated me pushing him, because he died one month after graduation.

Once he got his diploma and we could all take a deep breath and my gut instincts really kicked in, but I stepped back and didn’t want to rain on my son’s parade! What I remember, though are the sometime two and three days I didn’t hear from him, and then I would call him and he would only have a second to talk to me. He would always be in a hurry to get off the phone because he was on his way somewhere. Still, I was thinking to myself, “He gave you that diploma, let him have a couple of weeks off before you start harping on him to decide what he’s going to do with the rest of his life!” I would call him and talk him into having lunch with me and he would! He’d scarf that down and say, “Gotta go mom, I love you! Got any money?” We had some really great conversations though.

What kept going through my head was that he wasn’t eighteen yet. I could still make him slow down and come home. Right? No! I thought, It’s summer, let him enjoy it. Give the kid a break!

And then it happened! His friend Chris was killed in a car accident. Carl called me to tell me one of his friends was killed. He asked me if he could go to Pioneer for the night to be with some of his friends. I said it was okay. A couple of days later Carl came by my work to get some of his graduation money so he could pay some bills and he told me they were doing their own memorial in Pioneer for Chris the next day. I thought of my own classmate I lost right after graduation and how we had to all stay together to cope, so I understood why Carl and his friends needed to do that. I asked that he be safe and I looked into my sons sad eyes and I placed my hand on his chest and I said to him, “Please don’t ever leave me like that Carl! I couldn’t bear it!” And he looked back at me with his beautiful brown eyes and said, “Don’t worry mom!” with a surprised look on his face “I’m a safe driver! I love you!” He gave me a hug and I watched him walk out of my life. That would be the last time I would ever see my son alive. Carl was killed with his friend Jason on the way to the makeshift memorial the next evening.

So I ask myself again, is there anything I would change if I could go back? I really don’t have an answer to that but what I do have an answer to is this. I don’t go to bed every night with regrets that I didn’t discipline my son enough when it came to his breaking the rules regarding his driving. I don’t go to bed every night thinking that I wasn’t a good parent, because I feel that I did the best I could in every way I could. But was it enough? I am proud of my son to this day, but I’ll never get to see him be a man, go to college, get married, or have children. That is my regret!

If you have gut instincts with your children, especially with their driving habits, pay attention to them! Check up on your kids once in a while to make sure they’re sticking to the rules. It just may save their lives.

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This Story was written Jan. 2007 Carl Littlefield died in July 2006 ~Thank you Tina